Bodies change, but the desire for closeness remains: Why sexuality should not be taboo in old age and how intimacy can be achieved beyond the age of 50.
Sexuality has no expiration date—yet for many people, it remains a taboo subject in old age. Bodies change, needs change, and it is not uncommon for desire to disappear in the maelstrom of everyday life, stress, and dwindling self-awareness. Yet experience shows that closeness, touch, and sensuality remain a lifelong part of our identity.
Gynecologist and sex therapist Dr. Elke Franzki has been accompanying women and couples through precisely these phases of life for over 30 years. In her practice, she encounters questions, uncertainties, and a great longing for fulfilling intimacy on a daily basis. In her book “Liebe, Sex & Zärtlichkeit” (Love, Sex & Tenderness), she dispels old myths and shows how much vitality there is in later life. In an interview with spot on news, Dr. Franzki explains why desire has no age, how couples can grow closer again, and why one thing is particularly important: getting to know your own body anew.
You worked as a gynecologist for many years. Why was it important to you to write a book about love and sexuality in old age?
Dr. Elke Franzki: I grew older with my patients—I accompanied many of them from childbirth to menopause. I noticed that sexuality in old age was often no longer an issue, even though there were actually questions and problems. When I asked them about it during their check-ups, some women said, “I’d like to, but it hurts so much.” Many didn’t even know that a simple estrogen cream could help. I wanted to educate them and show them that sexuality doesn’t just stop, it changes.
How exactly does sexuality change over the years?
Dr. Franzki: It’s very individual and depends less on age itself than on life circumstances—stress, illness, loss of a loved one. Physically, for example, menopause naturally brings changes in women due to the drop in hormones. This leads to various complaints, such as hot flashes, dryness of the vulva and vagina, sleep disturbances, and irritability. But this is not a disease, it’s a transitional phase. One-third of women hardly notice anything, one-third feel disturbed, and one-third have really severe symptoms. In men, the first changes often manifest themselves in erectile dysfunction. The important thing is that all of this can be treated—medically, but also on a psychological level. Please be sure to talk about it if it bothers you!
Many women experience a loss of libido during this time. Why is that?
Dr. Franzki: Men do too. Often, sexuality had already fallen dormant before. Long-term relationships contribute to this. Menopause only amplifies it. The omnipresent stress of everyday life, ingrained routines—all of these factors play a role. Hormones are only a small part of the puzzle. Hormone replacement therapy can help some women by eliminating their symptoms and creating space for erotic encounters again. For some women, very low doses of testosterone help to revive their desire and ability to orgasm. But the most important thing is to talk about your needs instead of suppressing them.
What can couples do to get closer again after years apart?
Dr. Franzki: Take your time! Many couples wait for the “right moment,” but it rarely comes on its own. It’s okay to plan intimacy, to make a conscious effort to spend time together—on Sunday mornings or during afternoon naps, whenever it suits you. And you should talk: about what you want, what you don’t like. Saying no is not a refusal, but a “competence” to perceive and express your needs. Lack of desire is often an expression that something is wrong—be it the time, the place, or the type of sexuality, the partner, or that other things are too challenging right now and are killing the mood.
How can you find out what you still enjoy?
Dr. Franzki: By getting in touch with yourself again. I often ask patients, “What exactly don’t you feel like doing?” That’s sometimes easier to answer. And then, “What do you feel like doing?” Starting with small things, not primarily sexual. From there, you can discover what’s missing or what should be different. Women often need more emotional attunement and context—tenderness, recognition, small gestures in everyday life. A loving kiss in passing can trigger more desire than a sudden attempt at intimacy.
And if someone says, “For me, that topic is over”?
Dr. Franzki: Then that’s perfectly fine—as long as it really feels right. Not everyone needs sex to feel fulfilled. But it’s worth taking an honest look: Do I really not want sex anymore, or have I just gotten out of the habit because I think it’s “no longer appropriate”? Many people rediscover their desire when they fall in love – even at 70. These myths that age means the end of sensuality are nonsense.
In your book, you also talk about shame. How can it be overcome?
Dr. Franzki: By treating your own body with love again. I often recommend touching yourself in the shower as if you were being caressed by someone who loves you. With a nice shower gel or pomegranate oil – this not only nourishes your skin, it also connects you with your own body. Those who touch themselves tenderly on a regular basis feel that there is still so much life and sensuality. And then they are more likely to communicate that.
Many older people have health limitations. How can sexuality still work then?
Dr. Franzki: By adapting, by expanding your menu. Maybe you need different positions, maybe aids such as pillows, vibrators, or lubricants. Sexuality can mean so many things—caressing each other, kissing, massaging. It’s about touch, not performance.
How would you like society to talk about sexuality in old age?
Dr. Franzki: I would like us to see it as something natural—as the elixir of life. People remain sensual, curious, and capable of love into old age. This also applies to people in nursing homes or with limitations. Everyone should be allowed to live their form of sexuality—free from shame and prejudice.
And what is the most rewarding insight you have gained from your work?
Dr. Franzki: When people say after an initial consultation, “That wasn’t so bad—I really feel like rediscovering myself.” Or when I get positive feedback later on. You’ll find some of that in the “encouraging stories” in my book! That makes me happy. But the path to a rejuvenated sexuality is like fitness: it’s not enough to sign up at the gym—you also have to go.
