My daughter usually visits her father on some weekends, but this time something happened that made my heart race. She asked to speak with me over the phone and used our secret code word, signaling that she needed help. Here’s why having a code word is a powerful way to keep our kids safe.
When I was little, my mom taught me to use a code word if I ever found myself in trouble and couldn’t say it out loud. It was a lesson I never forgot, and as an adult, I decided to pass it on to my daughter. I thought she might use it to escape an uncomfortable sleepover or a playdate she didn’t like. I never imagined she would need it so soon.
Yesterday felt like any other day—or so I thought. I was in the kitchen, finishing my evening coffee, when my phone rang. It was my ex-husband, Dave. Our relationship used to be warm and loving, but after the divorce, things became tense. We tried to keep it civil for our daughter, Amy, but it wasn’t always easy.
“Hey, Claire,” Dave’s voice sounded a bit unsure. “Amy wants to talk to you. She’s been asking to tell you about her day since she got here.”
This was unexpected. Amy usually loved her weekends with her dad and rarely called me during those visits.
“Oh, sure, put her on,” I said, trying to sound calm even though my stomach started to twist with worry. The tone in Dave’s voice didn’t help.
“Hi, Mom!” Amy’s voice was cheerful, but there was something in the way she spoke that felt off. My instincts kicked in, and I listened carefully.
“Hey, sweetie! How’s your weekend going? Are you having fun?” I asked, keeping it light.
“Yeah, it’s been good. We went to the park yesterday, and I drew some pictures this morning. I drew a dog, a tree, and… I wish I had a blue marker so I could draw blueberries.”
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks! There it was—our code word. My heart skipped a beat, and for a moment, I couldn’t speak. Hidden in her innocent chatter, Amy had used our secret code. When she was younger, I taught her to use a special word if she ever felt unsafe but couldn’t say it directly. “Blueberries” was that word, but I never thought she’d actually need to use it.
I swallowed hard and forced myself to stay calm. That word meant, “Get me out of here right now.”
“That sounds wonderful, honey. I’m on my way to come get you. Please don’t mention it to your dad. I’ll talk to him when I get there. Is there anything else you wanted to tell me?”
“No, that’s it,” she replied, still sounding sweet, but there was something else in her voice—fear? Uncertainty? I wasn’t sure, but I knew one thing: I had to get her out of there.
“I’ll see you soon, okay?” I said, trying to sound casual.
“Okay, Mom. Love you.”
“Love you too, my Amy Wamy.” I heard her giggle as I hung up, my hands trembling. My mind was racing, trying to figure out what could have happened. Dave had never given me a reason to doubt his ability to care for Amy, but something was clearly wrong. I grabbed my keys. I was going to get her.
When I got to Dave’s place, I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. To my surprise, a woman I didn’t recognize answered. She looked at me with a mix of curiosity and annoyance.
“Can I help you?” she asked, her tone sharp.
“I’m here to pick up my daughter,” I said, doing my best to stay calm. “Is Dave home?”
“He’s just stepped out to run some errands,” she said, crossing her arms. “But Amy’s inside. Who are you?”
“I’m Claire, Amy’s mom,” I said, my patience thinning. “And you are?”
Her expression didn’t soften. “I’m Lisa. Dave’s girlfriend. We’ve been living together for a few weeks now.”
I blinked, stunned. Dave never mentioned he had a girlfriend, let alone that she’d moved in. Why hadn’t Amy said anything before? But there wasn’t time for questions. I needed to get my daughter out of there.
“Well, Lisa, I just remembered that Amy has a doctor’s appointment early tomorrow, and we need to prepare for it,” I lied with a forced smile. “I forgot to mention it to Dave. I’ll just take her, and I’ll bring her back later.”
Lisa didn’t seem convinced but didn’t argue either. “Fine, but I’ll let Dave know.”
“Of course,” I said as I stepped inside. Amy was sitting on the couch, curled up as she colored in a book. When she saw me, her face lit up, but I could see the relief in her eyes.
“Hi, sweetie,” I said, trying to keep things light. “We need to get ready for the doctor tomorrow, remember?” Amy nodded and got up, holding her book close. She didn’t say a word as she followed me out. Lisa watched us go, her eyes narrowing, but she didn’t stop us.
Once we were in the car and driving away, I looked over at Amy. “You okay, baby?” I asked gently.
At first, she nodded, but then, as the tension melted away, she started to cry. Through her tears, she managed to say, “Mom, Lisa… Lisa is mean to me when Dad isn’t around.”
“What do you mean, sweetie?” I asked, my heart breaking.
“She says things,” Amy continued, tears streaming down her face. “She says I’m annoying and that I shouldn’t be there. She told me that if I told Dad, he wouldn’t believe me because I’m just a kid. She said I should stay in my room and not bother them.”
The anger inside me was blinding! How dare this woman, who had no right to be in my daughter’s life, treat her this way?
“Amy, you did the right thing by telling me. I’m so proud of you,” I said, keeping my voice steady. “You don’t ever have to be around her again if you don’t want to. I’ll talk to your dad, and we’ll figure this out, okay?”
Amy nodded, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “Okay, Mom.”
When we got home, I gave Amy a big hug and told her how much I loved her. Once she was settled in her room with her favorite stuffed animal, I picked up the phone and called Dave. He answered on the third ring.
“Hey, Claire, did something happen? I just got home, and Lisa said you came by and took Amy?”
“Yes, something happened,” I said, unable to hide my anger. “Amy used our code word today, Dave. She wanted to leave because Lisa has been saying terrible things to her when you’re not around.”
There was a long silence on the other end. “What? That can’t be right… Lisa wouldn’t—”
“She did, Dave. Amy was in tears by the time we got in the car. She’s scared of your girlfriend, and she didn’t know how to tell you, so she told me the only way she could.”
“Claire, I’m sorry. I had no idea. I’ll talk to Lisa. This isn’t okay.”
“No, it’s not,” I said, my voice softening. “But what’s more important is Amy. She’s the one we need to be thinking about.”
“You’re right,” Dave said, sounding more defeated than I’d ever heard him. “I’ll handle it. I promise.”
After we hung up, I sat on the couch, feeling drained. This wasn’t how I’d expected my weekend to go, but I was so glad that Amy felt safe enough to use our code word. It was a small thing, but it made all the difference. That’s when I decided my little girl needed her own phone. I knew technology could have its downsides, but I wanted her to be able to text me anytime she needed to.
As I reflected on everything that had happened, I realized how important it was for other parents to have something similar in place. That code word gave Amy a way to reach out without feeling scared or vulnerable. It also let me step in before things got worse.
However, picking a good code word isn’t just about choosing any word. There are a few important rules to follow:
First, don’t use common words that might come up in everyday conversation. You don’t want the word to be mentioned casually and cause unnecessary panic. Avoid words like “school,” “birthday,” or simple colors—anything that could be guessed easily.
Second, if your child is old enough, consider a phrase instead of a single word. A short, memorable phrase or a combination of two words can add extra security. It should be something others wouldn’t easily guess but still easy for your child to remember. Phrases like “sunshine forest,” “dancing penguin,” or “blue apple” work well. Test it out to make sure your child can remember it even when stressed or calm.
The third rule is to practice using the code word in different scenarios. Role-play situations with your child so they understand exactly when and how to use it. This will help them feel confident and prepared if they ever need to use it.
What happened with Amy was a powerful reminder of how a simple plan could make a huge difference. By sharing our story, I hope more parents will consider creating a code word with their children. It could be the tool they need in a critical moment.
