When Nina and I got back from our amazing vacation, I was ready to just chill out at home. We’d been dreaming about it the whole flight back — a glass of wine, a good movie, just us two on the couch. But the second I opened our front door, I knew that dream was dead.
I stepped into the living room and my heart just dropped. It looked like a bomb had gone off. There were empty beer cans everywhere, piles of dirty clothes thrown over the couch, and the smell — oh man, the smell was horrible. But that wasn’t even the worst part. Right there, lying on my couch like a king, was my older brother, Ted.
I couldn’t hold it in. “Ted! What the hell is this? Why are you in my house?”
Nina stood behind me, frozen. She just stared, her face turning red with anger. I knew if I didn’t fix this quick, I’d be sleeping on the porch — if I was lucky.
Ted didn’t even flinch. He looked up at me like he’d just seen me in the kitchen, not in my own house after two weeks away. “Oh hey, Jeremy,” he said, yawning. “Mom and Dad thought it’d be easier for me to move in while you guys were gone. You’ve got all this space, right? And you two are always working or on vacation anyway.”
I felt my eye twitch. “You… moved in? Without asking me?”
He shrugged, so casual it made my blood boil. “Yeah, so what? I knew you’d say no, so I skipped that part. Don’t be such a buzzkill, man. Help a brother out.”
Help a brother out? Really? I was about to explode, but then my phone buzzed. Of course. Mom.
I answered. “Mom, did you seriously tell Ted he could move into my house?”
From the couch, Ted shouted, “Why you using my full name?”
I ignored him. “Mom?”
She sounded way too calm for this. “Oh Jeremy, don’t make a big fuss. Ted needed somewhere to stay, and you have all that room. You don’t even have kids yet, so what’s the harm?”
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying not to yell. “Mom, he’s forty-two! He’s not a kid. Why is this always my problem?”
Mom’s voice got sharper. “Oh, so now he’s just a burden to you? You’ve always had everything figured out, Jeremy. Ted just needs more help. You owe him — he’s your brother.”
I was ready to scream. Ted didn’t even pay child support for his own kids. He’d been sponging off our parents for years. And now he was in my house?
Before I could say anything, Dad grabbed the phone. “Jeremy, stop being selfish. You’ve got the house, the wife, the good job. Ted is staying.”
I snapped. “It’s not about the house, Dad! It’s about respect. Ted just moved in like he owns the place. Nina and I worked hard for this, and now she has to live like this too?”
Ted groaned from the couch. “Man, quit making a big deal. It’s just a house.”
I turned on him. “You’ve been mooching off Mom and Dad for years, Ted. Why don’t you go stay with one of your kids?”
Ted shot me a dirty look. “Because I’m family! Why do you always treat me like some stranger? Mom and Dad said you’d be like this.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. “Fine, Ted. Stay. Let’s see how long that lasts.”
I went upstairs to talk to Nina. She was already packing a suitcase.
“You’re not serious about letting him stay, are you?” she snapped. She shoved her clothes into her bag. “I’m going to my sister’s. I’m not living here with your deadbeat brother. You’ve got one week to fix this, Jeremy. One week, or I’m gone for good.”
My heart dropped to the floor. “Nina, please, don’t go. I’ll fix this.”
She slammed the suitcase shut. “One week.”
She was gone before I could say another word. I sat there on the bed, staring at the wall. I couldn’t get Ted out by yelling. So I came up with a plan.
First, I shut off the Wi-Fi. Ted was glued to his phone 24/7. When he finally noticed, he stormed into the kitchen.
“Yo, what’s up with the Wi-Fi?”
I gave him my sweetest smile. “Oh, the Wi-Fi? Must be some service issue. Sorry, bro.”
Next, I turned off the hot water. Ted loved his long, steamy showers. Now? Ice cold.
“Plumbing problem,” I told him when he came out of the bathroom shivering. “Sorry, man.”
I restocked the fridge, too — but only with tofu, kale, and weird health food. Ted hated veggies. Every time he opened the fridge, I heard him groan.
“Hey,” I’d say, grinning. “We’re family, right? You’ll manage.”
And the best part? Every morning at 6 a.m., I blasted loud rock music while I jogged on the treadmill in the living room. No more peaceful sleep-ins for Ted.
By day five, Ted was losing it. He stomped into the living room, hair sticking up, bags under his eyes.
“Jeremy! This is BS! No Wi-Fi, cold showers, nothing good to eat, and you wake me up at dawn? I can’t live like this!”
I shrugged. “But you’re family. And you’re not paying rent. What’s the problem?”
Ted glared at me, grabbed his duffel bag, and stomped out the door. I watched him go, a huge grin on my face. He was gone.
I cleaned every inch of the house, stocked the fridge with real food, and called Nina.
“Come home, honey,” I said when she answered.
“I’ll be home soon,” she said, her voice soft again.
Before she got back, I called my parents one last time.
“Mom, Dad — Ted’s out. He’s your problem now.”
Mom went off. “Jeremy! How could you do that to your brother? Where will he go?”
“That’s up to him,” I said. “He’s forty-two. If you want to baby him, go ahead. But I’m done.”
I heard later that Ted crawled back to Mom and Dad’s. This time, they made him fix up the garage into a room and — miracle of miracles — they made him get a job. He wasn’t happy, but for once, it wasn’t my problem.
Nina came home that night. We sat on our clean couch, with real food in the fridge, and no Ted in sight.
Finally, peace. And Ted? Well, he was finally learning the hard way.
